Naming without Shaming

We have been thinking a lot about how to deal with those moments when, in a mediation, in a meeting, a facilitation, an organizational conflict or even just in everyday life someone makes a comment that is offensive or hurtful to you or others.  Especially in today’s polarized society, it can be handy to have thoughtful ways to respond to insensitive or possibly hostile comments. 

Saying something critical in such moments can quickly escalate the tension and antagonism. Perhaps the most common response is to say nothing which can feel like a lost opportunity and worse, a form of complicity.

There is a famous quote by Pastor Martin Niemoller ( later used in a Jules Feiffer cartoon):

First they came for the Communists

And I did not speak out

Because I was not a Communist

Then they came for the Socialists

And I did not speak out

Because I was not a Socialist

Then they came for the trade unionists

And I did not speak out

Because I was not a trade unionist

Then they came for the Jews

And I did not speak out

Because I was not a Jew

Then they came for me

And no one was left

To speak out for me

So how do we deal in real time with offensive behaviors or comments and how do we distinguish what is motivating those behaviors.

Not all offensive remarks stem from ill will on the part of the speaker: Sometimes the offensive comment comes from misunderstanding how the comment will be received.  Sometimes it is simply insensitivity and sometimes it is outright racist, sexist, homophobic, antisemitic… How one might respond depends on the situation and relationships involved.

In the mediation context, whether the person reacting to such a comment is the "neutral' or an aggrieved party can have a huge impact on the receptivity of the response.  If the neutral says "Did you mean...?" it can be heard as a point needing clarity. If the aggrieved party says the same thing, it can be heard as being in judgment, and the "offender" now may become defensive (and double the work for the neutral!)

One strategy is to try to separate out the intent of the infraction from the impact by asking a range of questions.  “Can you explain more about what you meant when you said…”   “Did you mean to say…”, “Help me understand what you are trying to say…” These kinds of questions can be helpful in a professional setting as well as a personal one.  Another possibility in a mediation is to try to reframe what the person just said.  “I don’t think the other party will appreciate what you just said.  I think they will hear it as…   I will just say… instead”.

When trying to uncover the impact of a comment in a more personal context it can help to express how it made you feel.  “When you said ‘x’ I felt (or others might feel) diminished, judged, disrespected…”.  With  a close friend or relative one might  say something like, “Would it be OK if I suggested a different way to say x”.

What we tend to do, either with a friend or in a professional context, is avoid a direct response in the moment and wait until we are with someone we trust to complain about what was said.  But that leaves no room to have an impact on the offenders, who as we said earlier, may be unaware of how their comment or behavior was received.  This may be especially true when people of privilege make assumptions about others who have lived through discrimination or outright bigotry.

While there isn’t always time to do so in a personal interaction, it can often be helpful for the mediator in a professional setting to try to step back and consciously assess the starting places, backgrounds and perspectives of the parties at the mediation table -- as well as their own -- while recognizing that institutional and cultural values often play out at the interpersonal level.  For example, it may be useful for the mediator to reflect on questions such as:

• Are there racial, ethnic, gender and/or socioeconomic differences between the parties? If so, how are they showing up?

• What is the dominant culture in which this conflict takes/has taken place?

• Do either party’s experience(s) raise any personal memories for me?

• Is/are sexual orientation or identity an issue in this mediation?

• Do I share ANY identities with either party involved in this mediation?  If so, how might that shared identity show up in this mediation?

Regardless of whether the offensive comment takes place in a professional context, among close friends or relatives, or with more casual acquaintances, the goal is to be able to address the moment in a courteous, respectful and constructive manner. This is not an easy task, and no one is going to succeed every time, but approaching such moments with curiosity rather than judgment provides the best opportunity for all involved to learn something from the interaction.

We don’t presume to have all the answers for how to deal with these difficult encounters.  Our hope is to start discussions and increase an awareness of what it can mean to say something unproductive, or to not say anything at all, as Pastor Martin so aptly forewarned.